Lansing, Michigan: Tensions have risen at the annual Pabst family gathering as it has become increasingly clear that the interests of the children’s table are at odds with the interests of the adult table.
“Every year, they stick us at this table without any form of reconciliation other than ‘One day, you’ll get to sit at the adult table,’” said child and member of the children’s table, Daniel, 7. “That, however, is clearly untrue. After all, my cousin, Jessica, is 16 — more than twice my age — and is still at the kids’ table! They are lying to us. Do they really think we’re this gullible, that we don’t know we’re getting the short end of the stick? This monstrosity will not be allowed to continue.”
“I would be okay with this if the kids table was more than just a fold-out table that’s been temporarily placed and hastily set up, while the adults get to sit at the fancy table,” said fellow member of the children’s table, Tristen, 12. “Do the adults think I really want to be stuck here much longer? I’d love to see them get a taste of their own medicine.”
“You know, we may fight over who gets what kind of wii controller when we play Mario Kart, and it often gets vicious,” said Stefanie, 9. “But when it comes to our anger against the adult table, we stand united.”
According to outside sources, the group is planning its uprising against the adult table within the next “hour or two.” This is, at least, assuming the adults don’t have additional helpings of ice cream for everyone up their sleeves.