History Student a Little Too Into Tanks

By Stav

Columbus, Ohio: According to most students at the Ohio State University, third year student and history major Francis Kelley, 20, is just a little too into tanks.

Kelley, who specializes in military history, can recite the names of all tanks used throughout all twentieth century military conflicts, as well as their respective inventors, years of creation, and years of operation. Before graduation, Kelley hopes to defend a thesis on the history of the vehicle under the direction of history professor Dr. David Honaker.

“Tanks are great,” Francis Kelley tells his peers. “Assuming it’s legal, I’m hoping to buy one after graduation. You know, some people have cars, but others, well, we have tanks.”

“Sure, tanks are cool, I guess,” says fellow Ohio State Student Kristen Poole, 21. “But I mean, geez, tanks are alllllll this guy talks about. I know you’re supposed to follow your heart with this sort of thing, but I’d have to wonder how this guy plans on getting a job later down the line.”

“I will say, I admire Kelley’s dedication,” says history professor and thesis adviser to Kelley, Dr. David Honaker. “I know someone’s got to do this kind of work down the line, so it might as well be him. And I mean, good for him! But gosh, and well, don’t tell him I said this (he’s repeatedly told me I’m his number one supporter!) but this kid is kind of a loser. I definitely can’t imagine him being any fun at parties, as he has the uncanny ability to transform any conversation into one about World War II-era military technology. Hopefully he defends his thesis successfully on the first try so that I don’t have to deal with him for longer than absolutely possible.”

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