Going Out: An Itinerary


By stav

Here’s the plans for tonight, bitches. please be prepared

8:00 p.m. Pre-Planning Expect battle in group message over the direction the evening will take. Is this going to be a casual night out at some local bars or some serious night out? Are you going to be able to prevent Joey from bringing your best friend’s ex with him? Is hottie and potential love interest Ricky going to read your invite to go out in time? Despite not being the actual event, this is a formative time in the evening. It’s crucial to do all the pre-planning planning attentively if the rest of the evening is going to go your way.

8-9:15 p.m. Makeup time: the rigor behind this activity depends largely on what happens in the “Pre-Planning” stage of the evening. Since you’ve invited Ricky, though, it’s best to not take the risk and go full face and yes that does mean fake lashes!

9:30 p.m. Pregame at Kylie’s be there stat or else they may leave without you: Don’t be late!!! It is also usually at this point where about half of the plans discussed in the “Pre-Planning” phase fall through. Your best friend’s ex is here. Ricky’s location currently unknown.

9:55: Uber ride to bars/clubs You’re paying this time

10 p.m.- 1:15 a.m.: Descent into chaos ???????  Ricky didn’t come. Ricky saw your message at 8:31, but never replied.

1:15 a.m.: Your lipstick is everywhere. Oh my god this is terrible. God almighty clean it up somehow.

1:25 a.m-2:15 a.m..: ???????  ???????????????????????????????????????????????? holy shit where is ricky

1:45 a.m.: unclear if guy you kicked out of your house that one time also at club.

2:15 a.m.: Pizza Time! Or curly fries. Don’t angry text Ricky. You are above this. Eat your pizza/curly fries, be happy you had a fun night even if it was all kind of a blur, and go home. For the love of god, do NOT text Ricky. Don’t do it!!

2:30: Uber back home. Oof, you’re still paying but supposedly everyone will venmo you back!

2:35 a.m.: Angry Text Ricky.

10 a.m. the next day: Hungover. be upset at the sequence of events of the previous evening, but not enough to meaningfully change any of your decisions you will make next time. Ricky still has not texted you back.

5 p.m. the next day: Plan for your next night out!

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