New York City, UNITED STATES: According to a recent statement issued by over 1,000 pathologists, boys still have cooties.
“I’m not sure how this is not consistently a top news story,” says local pathologist Dr. Jake Stergiou, 58. “It’s not that boys have recently not had cooties and they have just now come back or something. Boys have always had cooties, and let’s be clear: not only are cooties contagious, they are dangerous to the overall health of the public.”
Stergiou’s colleague, Dr. Stella Oppenheimer, solemnly agreed. “Boys should not be allowed near girls. In fact, they should not be allowed near anyone. Please keep them out of public spaces whenever possible, and especially out of schools and grocery stores.”
Unfortunately, according to pathologists, the cooties epidemic has not yet been contained. “If your child is a boy or has seen a boy from a distance of up to 1,000 feet in the last six months, your child has cooties,” Stergiou told local newscasters. “We are currently looking into ways to solve this issue. In the meantime, if your daughter asks to hang out with Jake across the street, say no.”