Report: Future Looking Pretty Grim for Everyone Except Brett Kavanaugh

By Stav

Now that Brett Kavanaugh has been officially confirmed to be a Supreme Court Justice, everyone’s future in the United States is looking… pretty bad, except for Brett Kavanaugh himself.

“This sucks,” said everyone, except Kavanaugh. “They really just voted in a perpetrator of sexual abuse to the Supreme Court of the United States. And like, this isn’t just a temporary thing, this is a permanent assignment! Brett is really going to be on this court for the rest of his shoddy, good-for-nothing existence.  Jesus Christ.”

“We feel bad about this,” said members of the U.S. Senate that voted to confirm Kavanaugh.  “But not enough to change our votes to de-confirm the guy or anything, sorry. Sure, Kavanaugh whined like a little baby during the confirmation process, and also even bragged about drinking beer when questioned about his history of sexual violence.  On top of being morally reprehensible, this incident was downright ridiculous, just as it was the epitome of male entitlement.  We may acknowledge the guy is a 53 year old brat, we saw this.”

“He’s our 53 year old brat, however.  You don’t really have to have a good temperament to be on the Supreme Court anyways, at least not if you have a degree from Yale! It’s not like this is the highest court of the land or anything like that. No big deal. Anyways, feel free to call any of us when you have issues with the way we vote on things, we just won’t actually listen.”

“This is fine,” said local, Stavroula, 23. “It’s not like abortion rights are now fundamentally at risk or anything like that. It’s also not like survivors of sexual assault were just sent a huge message from the federal government that their stories don’t matter. Yep, just fine.”

Haha, who are we kidding, the future is looking pretty  bad for everyone except literally Brett Kavanaugh. Please help



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s