by Colin Young and Stav
We’ve all been there before, trying to come up with an application essay that’ll get you into that dream school (or any school for that matter). Adding quotes is a time-honored way to fill out a word count while making yourself seem well-read, but they can also get you into trouble. So while everyone else is out there pretending they actually read “The Great Gatsby” or trying to remember if it was Karl or Groucho Marx who wrote “Das Capital,” stick to what you know; the musical genius of Nicki Minaj. We’ve collected 10 of her brilliant lyrics that’ll set you apart and make the admissions committee Pound the Alarm.
“If I’m fake I ain’t notice ‘cause my money ain’t”
- Whether you have money or not, it’s worth faking in your application essays that you’re rich: the school will assume you have the ability to pay right away!
“These bitches couldn’t even test me if their name was pop quiz”
- A phrase like this can prove to admissions counselors that you are used to an academically rigorous course load, and that surprises won’t scare you.
“I don’t ever cheat because I’m good to him”
- A phrase like this can show skeptical admissions counselors that you care about academic integrity. If you won’t cheat on your boyfriend, you wouldn’t cheat on this test, right?
“Fuck who you want and fuck who you like, dance all night there’s no end in sight”
- Universities value diversity and an open mind, show them you’re down with any kind of relationship. Plus, the second half shows you’re exciting and stand out from the other applicants and their boring soup kitchens and mission trips.
“I’m Jem, these bitches are the holograms”
- Did 5,000 other people apply for this program? Sure, but they’re your backup singers! You’re the star here and those holograms can just fade away.
“We be doin’ donuts while we wave in the 3-80, we give a lot of money to the babies out in Haiti”
- Your personal statement is a time where you should write about your experiences, true or otherwise, with philanthropy and helping the less fortunate! A lyric like this will be sure to do the trick.
“I’m Angelina, you Jennifer. Come on bitch, you see where Brad at?”
- Powerful statements like these have the ability to change the power dynamics between you and the admissions counsellors, who are clearly Jennifer. Make sure they know where Brad’s at.
“I got a big fat ass”
- When in doubt, add sex appeal.
“First things first, I’ll eat your brains”
- At this point in your personal statement, it’s reasonable to make threats directly toward the admissions counselors reading your application materials.
“Bitches say shit and they ain’t sayin’ nothin’, 100 motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’”
- Be clear to the admissions that you’re so smart, no one can teach you anything since you’re already a know-it-all.
These quotes will bring to your essay what Nicki brings to every song she’s featured in (yes, even ‘Kissing Strangers’). With her on your side, you’re (almost) guaranteed admission.