UPDATE: moron has since been proven correct

Cincinnati, Ohio: Local University of Cincinnati student and dumbass, Joey [Name redacted], 24, really thinks I can just be ready to hook up in the next fifteen minutes. Does he know I have a make-up routine? Sometimes other plans? Or other commitments to society (okay I don’t really have too many of those, he’s right on that front)? That guy is whack if he really thinks I am just going to drop everything *right now* to have sex with him. Moreover, I’m fairly certain he just invited himself over as if I don’t take like an hour to clean the house before he shows up.

Now you listen here Joey. I may be too much of a coward to text you about this directly (I need somebody to hook up with, after all, and if you drop this then that’s a lot of work to deal with on my part to find someone else to do it) and would instead prefer to write a shitty comedy article about it instead, but if you’re reading this know that this stuff isn’t going to fly anymore.  From this point forward, your ass will be texting me at least one hour in advance if you want your little hook up plans to work out. I know this is a little rough, but you can do it. Please, Joey.

Okay, on second thought, I am okay with a text thirty minutes in advance. Please don’t ghost me