New York, New York: Yesterday, a group of internationally renowned human rights activists, historians, and journalists spoke to the United Nations General Assembly, explaining that bullying collegiate level model United Nations students ultimately provided the best prospects for preventing future large-scale conflicts.
“I think we can all agree on the importance of solving issues such as hunger, climate change, and economic inequality,” said Mark Lowcock, the UN Under-Secretary General for Humanitarian Affairs. “We have also found, however, that there is a more immediate threat to international security. That threat is rich kids who spend their days playing around with high stakes political scenarios that will never affect them in real life. It is our sincere belief that they must be stopped.”
At the general assembly, the group of experts recommended bullying methods it deemed effective against model UN students, which included shoving them in lockers, swiping left on their dating app profiles, and sabotaging their summer internships.
“In our many interactions with these individuals, we have found that model UN students are arrogant, horny, have ill-informed political views, and are just really goddamn annoying,” argued political scientist and NYU professor, Dr. George Kanellopoulos. “If these kids aren’t shown who’s boss, and quickly, their collective power trip holds nothing sacred. They’ll take over the entire earth as if all of this was just a silly little model UN conference! We believe it is necessary to root out this ill in our society, and by any means necessary, before this cancer poisons our civilization past the point of no return. Please, we implore you, bully model UN students until they break.”