NSA Report: Your Crush Does Not Like You Back

Washington, D.C.: According to the 2,181 data records on this subject collected by the National Security Agency (NSA) within the last two weeks, your crush does not like you back.

“As per the information collected from the social media profiles of both you, Ryan Little, 21, and your crush, Sophia Demos, 20, you have absolutely no chance,” says NSA agent Cody Johnson, 32. “And let’s be clear, I mean zero chance. Zero. She doesn’t even consider you a decent person. In fact, according to our records, Demos has made fun of you in various GroupMe chats on more than 5 occasions.  She also has talked about different crushes (that are not you) on more than 20 occasions in the amount of time you have expressed interest in her.”

“We suggest you give up on Demos and try looking elsewhere,” says fellow NSA agent Natalia Rice, 36. “Moreover, we also suggest that you take the frequent hints she has given you. If she never texts you back in the first place, she’s not interested in you sending those ‘I’m still here’ and ‘:)?’ texts you frequently use when you talk to her. In fact, she’s almost blocked your phone number several times! The time to give up is now.”

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