Lifetime achievement: this woman cleaned her car

Columbus, Ohio: This week, the nation looks upon the city of Columbus in disbelief and awe: local woman, Stephanie Alders, 27, went out there yesterday and did the impossible by cleaning her goddamn car.

Many locals had a lot to say about the situation. “This is truly a commendable life accomplishment,” said Stavroula, 24, who is a local and friend of Alder’s. “I know I would never be able to accomplish such a feat, no matter how hard I tried. I’m so proud of Stephanie and consider it an honor to know and have acquaintance with such an admirable person, the type of person who really has big dreams- and sticks to them!”

“Sometimes I clean, like, the driver’s seat of the car,” said another Columbus resident, Anthony, 31. “Or I’ll just go through and pick up the old coffees and drinks that have been sitting in my car. But to clean one’s ENTIRE car?! Really an unbelievable accomplishment, Alders should be proud.”

“While I’m proud of the grit and dedication to the cause that it took me to finally go out there and clean my car, I’d also like to thank my family and friends,” Stephanie explained. “They’ve had my back this whole time, and this really could not have happened without them.”

Tomorrow, Alders will be given the keys to the city of Columbus as an honorary mayor in recognition of her accomplishments. Alders has plans to be on several life primetime news programs throughout the course of the next week to discuss her commendable feat, and is currently negotiating a book deal with several publishing companies.

“Even just a few short years ago, I never could have seen myself accomplishing such a big thing,” Stephanie concluded. “But if you work hard, take the opportunities you’re given, and believe in yourself over everything else, maybe one day, you, too, can successfully clean your car.”

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