Job Search Translations

Having a hard time out there on the job search? Not understanding what certain (okay, fine, most) lingo used in job applications means? Never fear! I at The Crush Online, who has had a lot of success with… jobs, will tell you what all these weird phrases mean!

  1. Please send us a cover letter: We won’t read this!
  2. Thank you for applying.  We will be in contact soon if there is further interest in your profile: Bye, bitch!
  3. Due to the high number of applicants: Please quit while you are ahead
  4. We may call your references: We will call your references at weird times and make them hate you.  Oh shit that reminds me, Andrew from Red Lobster I put your name down as a reference on the last fifteen job applications I sent out.  Is that chill, please text me back
  5. 3-5 years of relevant experience required: Must be proficient in rocket science
  6. Please send us a letter of recommendation: We think we’re hot shit.  You’re still gonna awkwardly call up that professor you had for one class like four years ago and ask them for a letter, though, aren’t you? Have fun with that!
  7. Include salary requirements within your application: Let us exploit you and believe that we are kind people by hiring you
  8. Candidate must be able to work under fast past environments and under tight deadlines: Candidate must be willing to be our bitch
  9. Networking: We don’t know what that is
  10.  Candidate must be proficient in Microsoft Office: You will be rotating our PDFs for us
  11. Free office coffee: Used to cover up lack of health insurance, benefits

Thanks for reading, and good luck in your job search! By that, we mean: haha, this is never gonna end and you will never get anywhere in life!

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