Madison, Wisconsin: In recent weeks, the city of Madison, Wisconsin, has dealt with a unique issue: skunks. Such skunks the city faces, however, are not your average roadkill skunk: it’s the adolescent skunks that pose a unique, yet disturbing threat to the community’s well-being.
“It appears that adolescent skunks in the greater Madison metropolitan area have resorted to replacing their odor glands with axe body spray,” says biologist Mike Mason, 43. “I’m not sure how safe this is for the resident skunk population, but it has horrific implications for the human population of Madison. I mean, what if one of those little critters gets hit by a car? I’d rather smell normal skunk odor any day than axe body spray, and I’m sure most of us will agree. None of us want to smell this axe body spray shit.”
According to animal behavior specialist Zoe Rathers, 47, the skunks have decided to use the spray to fit in at skunk middle school. In fact, usage of the product is at its highest around skunk middle school dances, when adolescent skunks are “most anxious” about their outward appearance and, well, smell. “Adolescent skunks, much like their human counterparts, get nervous about friendships, their crushes liking them back, and just generally fitting in. As a result, I’m not really surprised to see such creatures resorting to something like this.”
At press time, Axe Body Spray brand representatives had little to say about the phenomenon. “If they keep buying [our products], we’ll keep selling.”