Hey Ohio State Alumni, we know you absolutely love hearing from us. Here’s what’s been going on with your fellow graduating classes since 2010, as well as some other recent campus news!
- Half of recent graduates are unemployed
- The other half still have horrific debt, don’t worry
- 42 percent absolutely regret coming here
- Alumna spotlight: Jessie, 29 (2012 graduate), fucked a republican last weekend. Come on now Jessie!
- Alumnus spotlight: Ryan, 31 (2010 graduate) is a Republican. He gives us money though so good job, Ryan! We wish you the best in your future endeavors!
- Alumnus spotlight: that one guy you hated from your dorm is successful in their chosen field right now
- Alumnus spotlight: The hook-up you kicked out of your house that one time is also more successful than you
- We won’t be removing L*x Wexner’s name from any of our buildings, no matter what we learn about his past. Fuck you
- North campus is looking very pretty (read: expensive) right now
- A large number of recent graduates live in Texas now? Can someone explain this to me
- You can drink alcohol at our football games now. As in, you can pay a lot of money to drink alcohol at our football games if you’re not smart enough to sneak it in yourself
- You still owe the library two books. Please turn them in 😦
- 40 percent of recent graduates agree to call it “THE” Ohio State University
- We will kill the other sixty percent
- 99 percent of recent graduates won’t give us any money
- 100 percent of recent graduates agree: fuck *ichigan
Thanks for reading! Please give us money