[Note: The contents of this piece also relates to “insurance,” “the stock market,” ”taxes,” or literally anything else that sounds like it could be hard.]
Now that I am in my mid-twenties, I have noticed people my age are starting to buy houses. While that’s great for them (probably?), I refuse to do the same.
This is primarily because buying a house would mean that I would have to learn about this thing called “real estate.” After a thorough period of self-reflection and careful consideration, I have decided that such an entity is not for me. Bully me all you want, destroy my life and future, bury my hopes and dreams, do anything you want to me, it doesn’t matter. I will never understand one single iota about the housing market. You can’t make me!
Let me explain why:
- I don’t know what math is, which means that from a purely logistical perspective this whole “real estate” thing is a no-go. I am not in grade school anymore; I shouldn’t have to know how to do things related to math offhand. If it’s something the calculator app on my phone can’t accomplish, it’s not happening.
- I know what houses are, but adding math to them in such a haphazard manner is ridiculous. What do you mean people have “mortgages?” That sounds too complicated. There’s no way they want those, they just want the house. Can’t they just have the house? We have a lot of those, just give it to them.
- Clearly no one else understands real estate either. It’s not just me. For example, I am not the person who caused the “sub-prime mortgage crisis.” Other people who are not me did that, which means they did not understand “real estate” either. This must mean that “real estate” is way too hard, for everyone. We should just collectively call it quits before another one of those “sub-prime mortgage crises” happens.
- “Real estate” sounds like it benefits people I don’t like.
- I’m fairly certain there’s going to be significant societal breakdown within the next twenty-five years anyways. So even if I got a thirty-year mortgage for a home and tried to learn about “real estate” like an honest adult, society will already be over by the time I am actually done paying it off. Clearly, learning doesn’t pay!
In short, the housing market sounds really hard and I don’t like learning things. I swear on my life that none of you, no matter how hard you try, will be able to get me to understand whatever it is that we call “real estate,” and that’s a promise. I have decided that I will do everything in my power to maintain this attitude towards real estate no matter how old I get, and no matter how much learning about it now could help me in my own financial future. Take that, capitalism!