Washington, D.C.: In order to tackle the United States’ growing housing crisis, especially in light of the COVID-19 pandemic, the U.S. House of Representatives invited several housing experts to give their opinions as to how Congress may be able to bring the general populace relief in the near future.
The experts, including social workers, professors, city planners, and local activists across the country, recommended measures such as rent control, stopping evictions for the remainder of the coronavirus crisis, and eliminating security deposits. Above all, however, most felt strongly that landlords should be bullied indefinitely, preferably until they feel compelled to leave the profession.
“Who goes by the job-title “landlord” anyways? Is this the 1500s?” asked housing expert, Jennifer Smalls, 36. “Anyone who willingly takes on such a stupid-sounding position deserves to be bullied for it until the cows come home.”
“It’s kind of fucked up that landlords can basically take as much of your paycheck as they want at this point, especially because they know you [the tenant] don’t have a lot of choices,” said a housing justice advocate. “If you ever think a landlord is giving you a fair price, you’re playing yourself!”
“They have phone numbers, emails, and twitter accounts,” reported city planner Jessica Byers, 44. “If they’re going to be assholes and make people pay rent even though they’ve lost our jobs, we can at least make them feel bad about themselves. Spam your ways of contacting them at all times!”
“They would have bullied you in high school anyways. Would have taken your lunch money for sport!” suggested Harvard Economics Professor, B. Riley, 54. “Consider widespread bulling of landlords to be payback. After all, they haven’t fixed your sink, and it’s been a month.”
“Mao did some other stuff about landlords which also may be worth looking into right now,” Riley added, winking repeatedly. “I won’t say it out loud, but it’s a good idea.”