“Not All Men,” Says One of Them

By Stav                                                                                                                                       

Moncton, New Brunswick: Frustrations mount as local man Alex Wittenburg, 31, continues to tell feminists that not all men contribute to sexism, even though he is one of them.

Like many of his fellow millennials, Wittenburg likes to market himself as a progressive.  In his spare time, however, Wittenburg constantly talks over other women, neglects his chores in the apartment he shares with female roommates, and takes time out of every day to explain at least something to one of his female friends, not considering that they may already know –or even know more than he does– about any given topic.

“Yes, some men are shitty.  But not all men!  You can’t just paint us all with the same paintbrush,” argues Wittenburg, as if he’s not also spending every weekend harassing women at bars.  “One bad pumpkin doesn’t ruin the whole patch.”

Local feminists report they are not happy with Wittenburg’s hypocritical behaviour.

“Does [Wittenburg] know he’s one of the ones we… mean?” argued local feminist, Jessica, 26.  “This guy specifically is doing all the things we find frustrating.”

“The lack of self-awareness is impressive: if only it were unique,” said another local feminist, Whitney, 25.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equality,” said Wittenburg, who is for equality until it means he has to question his own behaviour.  “You feminists just have to come up with better ways of fighting for your beliefs.  As it is right now, you just sound angry all the time, and no one wants to deal with that.”

At press time, Wittenburg was considering hitting on the person writing this report.

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