“Not All Men,” Says One of Them

By Stav                                                                                                                                       

Moncton, New Brunswick: Frustrations mount as local man Alex Wittenburg, 31, continues to tell feminists that not all men contribute to sexism, even though he is one of them.

Like many of his fellow millennials, Wittenburg likes to market himself as a progressive.  In his spare time, however, Wittenburg constantly talks over other women, neglects his chores in the apartment he shares with female roommates, and takes time out of every day to explain at least something to one of his female friends, not considering that they may already know –or even know more than he does– about any given topic.

“Yes, some men are shitty.  But not all men!  You can’t just paint us all with the same paintbrush,” argues Wittenburg, as if he’s not also spending every weekend harassing women at bars.  “One bad pumpkin doesn’t ruin the whole patch.”

Local feminists report they are not happy with Wittenburg’s hypocritical behaviour.

“Does [Wittenburg] know he’s one of the ones we… mean?” argued local feminist, Jessica, 26.  “This guy specifically is doing all the things we find frustrating.”

“The lack of self-awareness is impressive: if only it were unique,” said another local feminist, Whitney, 25.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equality,” said Wittenburg, who is for equality until it means he has to question his own behaviour.  “You feminists just have to come up with better ways of fighting for your beliefs.  As it is right now, you just sound angry all the time, and no one wants to deal with that.”

At press time, Wittenburg was considering hitting on the person writing this report.

Ten Cats That Wouldn’t Let Me Pet Them

Please Shame Them

By Stav @your__crush__

[Photos from Jackie Shreves, Colin Young, Natalie Hernandez, James Wagner, me, and the cats that posed for us somehow.]

These cats all ignored me when I tried to pet them and I’m mad about it still.  Please shame them and consider their respective existences with contempt.

  1. This one

bb article again

2. This one

vamps

  1. This one too

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  1. Okay I was pretty annoying I understand why this one ran away

use four

5. This one’s my cat, he lets me pet him and stuff. I just wanted to show you.

bb

  1. This one

bb!!

7. This one hissed at me :/

grace

 

 

  1. This one

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

  1. Wait hold on that’s my roommate’s hamster, not a cat. Pulling up another cat that ignored me now

 

 

  1. This one

archhhh

 

Thank you for reading, and I hope you are just as upset with these cats that wouldn’t let me pet them as I am.  Please share to raise awareness so that this may not happen again.

 

Thanks,

 

Stav

Experts Determine Bullying Landlords out of Profession Best Way to Provide Affordable Housing

By stav

Washington, D.C.:  In order to tackle the United States’ growing housing crisis, especially in light of the COVID-19 pandemic, the U.S. House of Representatives invited several housing experts to give their opinions as to how Congress may be able to bring the general populace relief in the near future.

The experts, including social workers, professors, city planners, and local activists across the country, recommended measures such as rent control, stopping evictions for the remainder of the coronavirus crisis, and eliminating security deposits. Above all, however, most felt strongly that landlords should be bullied indefinitely, preferably until they feel compelled to leave the profession.

“Who goes by the job-title “landlord” anyways?  Is this the 1500s?”  asked housing expert, Jennifer Smalls, 36.  “Anyone who willingly takes on such a stupid-sounding position deserves to be bullied for it until the cows come home.”

“It’s kind of fucked up that landlords can basically take as much of your paycheck as they want at this point, especially because they know you [the tenant] don’t have a lot of choices,” said a housing justice advocate.  “If you ever think a landlord is giving you a fair price, you’re playing yourself!”

“They have phone numbers, emails, and twitter accounts,” reported city planner Jessica Byers, 44. “If they’re going to be assholes and make people pay rent even though they’ve lost our jobs, we can at least make them feel bad about themselves.  Spam your ways of contacting them at all times!”

“They would have bullied you in high school anyways.  Would have taken your lunch money for sport!”   suggested Harvard Economics Professor, B. Riley, 54.  “Consider widespread bulling of landlords to be payback.  After all, they haven’t fixed your sink, and it’s been a month.”

“Mao did some other stuff about landlords which also may be worth looking into right now,” Riley added, winking repeatedly. “I won’t say it out loud, but it’s a good idea.”

Substitute Teacher Fired After Allegedly Teaching Life Skills to Students

Substitute Teacher Fired After Allegedly Teaching Life Skills to Students

By Colin Young and Stav

Logan County, Arkansas: A local substitute teacher who has served in the Logan City School district for eleven years has been fired from teaching after accusations that the 39-year-old taught life skills in an honors physics class at Logan High School.

On Wednesday evening, the city’s school board released the following public safety notice to all residents of Logan county:

Public Safety Notice: The Logan City School District would like to make the community aware of an inappropriate and likely trauma-inducing event that took place in one of its high schools this week, in which a substitute teacher tried to use his time in Grade 12 Honors Physics to teach meaningful life skills.  As per the guidelines established by LCS in 1991, the substitute teacher is required to use class time to either a) hold a study hall b) roll in a television to play one (1) episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy. Finding the substitute teacher to be in violation of these guidelines, we have subsequently terminated his employment.

Students, parents, and community leaders alike have responded to the incident with anger and confusion.

“It all happened so fast,” a student who was in class during the incident explained.  “Someone mentioned they got a credit card offer and the next thing I knew, he was balancing a checkbook right there in front of the whole class!”

“This is unacceptable,” complained Logan county resident and parent, Shelby Waters, 44.  “I am paying taxes so my children can be taught important things like relativity and differential equations!”

“This is a violation of the highest order! Children of this age should not be exposed to things of this nature,”  argued Kenneth Wilds, a Republican member of Logan City Council. “Budgeting, house repair, and things of that nature should be figured out together by a husband and wife after they are married!!”

“I dunno, it was weird, but I kind of liked it,” said a Logan High School student who wished to remain anonymous. “Sure, I’ve tried some of this stuff at home on my own, but it was a little weird to do it in a room full of my friends and classmates. I mean, the guys and me compare credit limits in the locker room, but I didn’t really want the whole class to see (even if it is quite large).”

When contacted for comment, the expelled substitute teacher defended his decision, stating that “these kids are more than old enough to learn about these things. They will be in college soon and tempted to try it all for themselves. In my opinion, it’s better that they learn about it in a safe, controlled environment that has their best interests in mind. When they’re out in the world learning about it from the streets it can be dangerous. There’s a lot of misinformation out there.”

“I don’t understand why everyone is upset about this.  Seriously, what’s a “checkbook?” They never taught me this in school,” said 22 year old Adam Hines and alumnus of LCS.

The school has brought in extra counselors to help students who were involved in the incident. The district attorney has yet to decide if any formal charges will be filed.