Opinion: I Will Not Be Bullied Into Understanding “Real Estate”

By Stav

[Note: The contents of this piece also relates to “insurance,” “the stock market,” ”taxes,” or literally anything else that sounds like it could be hard.]

Now that I am in my mid-twenties, I have noticed people my age are starting to buy houses.  While that’s great for them (probably?), I refuse to do the same.

This is primarily because buying a house would mean that I would have to learn about this thing called “real estate.” After a thorough period of self-reflection and careful consideration, I have decided that such an entity is not for me.  Bully me all you want, destroy my life and future, bury my hopes and dreams, do anything you want to me, it doesn’t matter.  I will never understand one single iota about the housing market.  You can’t make me!

Let me explain why:

  1. I don’t know what math is, which means that from a purely logistical perspective this whole “real estate” thing is a no-go. I am not in grade school anymore; I shouldn’t have to know how to do things related to math offhand.  If it’s something the calculator app on my phone can’t accomplish, it’s not happening.
  2. I know what houses are, but adding math to them in such a haphazard manner is ridiculous. What do you mean people have “mortgages?”  That sounds too complicated.  There’s no way they want those, they just want the house.  Can’t they just have the house?   We have a lot of those, just give it to them.
  3. Clearly no one else understands real estate either.  It’s not just me.  For example, I am not the person who caused the “sub-prime mortgage crisis.”  Other people who are not me did that, which means they did not understand “real estate” either.  This must mean that “real estate” is way too hard, for everyone.  We should just collectively call it quits before another one of those “sub-prime mortgage crises” happens.
  4. “Real estate” sounds like it benefits people I don’t like.
  5. I’m fairly certain there’s going to be significant societal breakdown within the next twenty-five years anyways. So even if I got a thirty-year mortgage for a home and tried to learn about “real estate” like an honest adult, society will already be over by the time I am actually done paying it off.  Clearly, learning doesn’t pay!

In short, the housing market sounds really hard and I don’t like learning things.  I swear on my life that none of you, no matter how hard you try, will be able to get me to understand whatever it is that we call “real estate,” and that’s a promise.  I have decided that I will do everything in my power to maintain this attitude towards real estate no matter how old I get, and no matter how much learning about it now could help me in my own financial future.  Take that, capitalism!

Sincerely,

Stav

Aging Sexy Underwear Demoted To Period Underwear

By Stav

London, Ontario: Sources say that a beloved “sexy” pair of underwear belonging to Angela Larson, 23, was demoted to period underwear this last week.

“This underwear has become just too worn out to be deemed sexy anymore,” Angela noted. “I’m not planning to wear this it  next time I hook up or see boys anymore, but I’m glad to add it to my stash of period underwear that I can go back to when it’s that time of the month.”

“Please just throw me out,” said Angela’s underwear. “I’ve already lived a hard life, getting thrown on bedroom floors of men I don’t know, almost getting ripped apart every time you see one of those foul creatures. They don’t even notice or acknowledge me, no one ever did. And now you do me dirty like this. I beg you, just put me out of my misery already!”

Angela’s next period starts tomorrow.

Libertarian Bullies Privatize School Playground

Lancaster, OH: At Thomas Ewing Elementary, a recently formed Libertarian youth group has taken over the playground and is now charging fellow students per use in what it calls an effort to “privatize” play time.

“Our system is fairly simple.  Want to use the slide? 10 cents?  Want to use the swings?  1 cent per swing,” says libertarian bully Chance, 11.  “If you and a group of friends wants to use the playground to play tag or something, you have to rent out the space in advance for five dollars.  If you don’t have extra money for any of this but still want to use the playground, be assured that your lunch money will always suffice!”

“We are doing this because we want to show our classmates the benefits to a free-market system.  Before, you could use all this stuff for free, but there was always a line for it.  And always so many other kids in the way.  Who wants that?” argued libertarian bully 2, Matthew, 10. “Now, you can use these services when you want and how you want, just for a small charge upfront.”

While the situation has been reported to the school, no action has been taken to challenge the libertarian children.  Rather, the group has been lauded for its entrepreneurial endeavors.

“I think it’s great that kids are being taught the value of money at an early age,” says playground monitor and physical education teacher, Mr. Scull, 41.  “Sure, it may be kind of mean, but I don’t see how it’s any different than like, Monopoly or something.  Kids at that age could use some rough-housing anyhow.”

“We think we’re just preparing our classmates for the realities of living in America, such as healthcare and higher education,” said Chance.  “I would even argue we’re doing everyone a big favor by teaching them an important lesson: nothing is free.”

Where Are They Now: Dance Dance Revolution Mats

By Stav

1. Landfill

2. Beside the wii fit board in my mom’s basement

3. Maybe she still has it

4. Just called her she says she threw it out, nevermind

5. Landfill

6. Damn, maybe *insert name of middle school friend here* still has it

7. No, they have melee though still if you wanna play sometime

8. Dope that sounds fun, I’ll hit you up

9. Makeshift mat for pet to sleep on

Quiz: You recently graduated from university! Can you find stable employment?

By Stav

Congratulations, you did it! You spent four years and a lot of money to get this piece of paper!  Your bachelor’s degree!  But can you get a job that pays for your ability to live? Take this quiz to find out!

Question 1:

A: No

Question 2: That’s not true my dad is a Very Important Person

A: Oh shit nevermind.  Here is your prestigious bank job or something tangential to whatever it is your capitalist dad does, please take it and leave my comedy blog.

Depression Meals That Are Just Bread and Cheese Again

By Stav

Too sad to cook? Me too, but not to fear! I have a few (albeit limited) suggestions on your options that may just be bread and cheese again!  Have fun trying these very simple meals if for some reason you don’t already do at least two of these every goddamn day!

  1. The classic cheese on wonder bread.  A bitch is really struggling if you’re doing this one I am thinking of you
  2. The classic cheese on wonder bread but you microwaved it because you wanted something hot even though you know it’s going to turn out like shit and not like you intended every time. Still tastes passable because you have the energy for nothing else right now.  Also cheese
  3. The classic cheese on wonder bread but you have a toaster oven so it’s actually pretty good, just not like skillet grilled-cheese level good. Tip: If you use feta cheese and then put olive oil on it it feels like you’re eating real food kind of
  4. Skillet grilled-cheese sandwich: You actually cooked you did it!!! It may taste like kindergarten but damn that really works right now. Tip: Just use a million slices of cheese, no one cares
  5. Pizza? There’s bread.  There’s cheese.  This food has even previously counted as a vegetable for high school students, you’re in good hands.
  6. Please just give up and order take-out this time holy shit. If you can build up the energy to call them, at least, and then Go oUtSiDe AnD PicK uP YouR OrDer iN PErsOn.  It’s okay, really.
  7. Repeat the cycle. Throw in coffee or ice cream as a meal as often as necessary

Life may be (very) hard, but as long as the all holy bread and cheese combo exists, you’ve got some easy resources for your next bullshit meal!  And the one after that.  And the one after that too.

P.S. I ate bread with cheese before writing this you are in good company