It happened. You and Shelby went out last weekend. And it was fun! Fun, that is, until Shelby posted some terrible drunk photos of you to her facebook and of course had to tag you. Who even posts going out photos on facebook?? Apparently Shelby, as you have unfortunately learned. Don’t worry, though! You have a few, admittedly limited, options to choose from in terms of how to proceed.
The Non-Interventionist Route: Do nothing. Maybe stay off social media for the next few days while the situation blows over. Hope that your crush never sees this photo of you (he will) (don’t worry though, he won’t care because he doesn’t like you anyways).
The Pacifist Route: Just be a normal person and ask Shelby if she can untag you in the facebook post. If you’re too scared to just straight-up ask, you can use the tried-and-tested, evergreen “I have family and coworkers on here and would prefer them not to know I have fun sometimes!” excuse. Hopefully this works!
The Pacifist Route With Teeth: Just be a normal person and ask Shelby if she can delete the post.
The Passive-Aggressive Route: Since you won’t be a normal person about this and ask, just untag yourself. Don’t even ask: she didn’t ask to post the picture of you in the first place. Tit-for-tat, baby!
The Passive-Aggressive Route, Option Two: Angry-react or sad-react the post itself. Probably not effective, but mildly-entertaining.
The Interventionist Route: Ask Shelby in person about this post. It’s going DOWN, Shelby!!!
The Scorched Earth Route: Untag yourself. Unfriend (or hell, even block) Shelby. Unfriend all of your mutual friends with Shelby. If anyone sees this photo, they will never get to see you again in any way, shape or form. They can’t know you ever looked like that. Delete your profile. Fake your death. Create a new name and life story and move to a random town in Pennsylvania.
Hey dad, what’s up. So you said you would help me navigate booking this flight last week, right? Like you would tell me what tickets I should get and everything. That still cool?
>> I guess
Okay, awesome, dad! So it looks like I can’t get there with only one flight, I’ll have to have a connecting flight. Is that okay?
And two suitcases, so like at the end when we purchase the ticket you have to check the box saying you’ll need the upgrade thing for that.
Okay, cool! So let’s go online and purchase the tickets!
Do you have like login information for American Airlines? I know you’ve used your login info on that website before or whatever
Okay, cool, I’ll go ahead and enter the info you gave me now to log in. Oh wait, it says the password isn’t working. It looks like we’ll have to hit “forgot password” so it can send a link to your email so that you can make a new one. Do you remember your email?
So your email has a password too, do you know that password?
Okay so that looks like that will be kind of hard. Want to use another airliner?
Dad?? Dad are you okay????
Mission failed: You were unable to book plane tickets without having an aneurism.
Madison, Wisconsin: In recent weeks, the city of Madison, Wisconsin, has dealt with a unique issue: skunks. Such skunks the city faces, however, are not your average roadkill skunk: it’s the adolescent skunks that pose a unique, yet disturbing threat to the community’s well-being.
“It appears that adolescent skunks in the greater Madison metropolitan area have resorted to replacing their odor glands with axe body spray,” says biologist Mike Mason, 43. “I’m not sure how safe this is for the resident skunk population, but it has horrific implications for the human population of Madison. I mean, what if one of those little critters gets hit by a car? I’d rather smell normal skunk odor any day than axe body spray, and I’m sure most of us will agree. None of us want to smell this axe body spray shit.”
According to animal behavior specialist Zoe Rathers, 47, the skunks have decided to use the spray to fit in at skunk middle school. In fact, usage of the product is at its highest around skunk middle school dances, when adolescent skunks are “most anxious” about their outward appearance and, well, smell. “Adolescent skunks, much like their human counterparts, get nervous about friendships, their crushes liking them back, and just generally fitting in. As a result, I’m not really surprised to see such creatures resorting to something like this.”
At press time, Axe Body Spray brand representatives had little to say about the phenomenon. “If they keep buying [our products], we’ll keep selling.”
Powell, Ohio: What’s that, Jennifer? Are you really about to get in the front-seat of the car? Jennifer, did you not hear me? Or did you …choose to ignore me? Jennifer, oh my god.
Listen up, because I know you heard me Jennifer: I. Called. Shot-gun. That means *I* get to sit in the front of the car, and not you. And listen, I don’t care if you “don’t want to play this game” with me, “didn’t hear” me, or “don’t feel like doing this bullshit right now,” Jennifer. I don’t care if this is “just a five minute drive back home after getting ice cream.”
I called shotgun. I repeat: I called shotgun. Is nothing sacred to you? I’m not following why you think you can just blow me off on this. Shotgun is the rule of the land in these parts, and you know that. We all know that. If you really wanted to sit in the front, nothing was stopping you from calling it before me.
But you didn’t do it. You didn’t seize the opportunity to call shotgun. And that’s why it’s my turn to sit in the front seat, Jennifer. Please move.
El Segundo, California, United States: Bandai’s newest line of Tamagotchi digital pets are at their most realistic yet! In addition to eating, sleeping, making cute noises, and going through the various stages of the life cycle, the digital pets are now at their most realistic: tamagotchis will now vent to their owners when their social lives are going poorly.
The new pets will gossip and talk trash about their friends, tell you about crushes that are way out of their league, and cry to you when their friends make plans without them (this is a frequent occurrence).
It’s true that these tamagotchis will prove to be a challenge to their owners: in fact, such a challenge is precisely what Bandai wants.
“We felt that making the pets more honest about their social lives will strengthen the bond between them and their owners,” said Sara S., 37, a representative from Bandai America. “We hope that such a feature in our products will teach younger users about conflict resolution, and how to deal with disappointment in life.”
Sara S. also discussed Bandai’s future plans regarding Tamagotchi pets. “If this goes well, and we certainly hope it does, we may consider future versions of this product where Tamagotchis may belittle or even bully their owners. We’re looking to build the character of those who buy our products, and sometimes -let’s face it- a little social rejection goes a long way.”
Having a hard time out there on the job search? Not understanding what certain (okay, fine, most) lingo used in job applications means? Never fear! I at The Crush Online, who has had a lot of success with… jobs, will tell you what all these weird phrases mean!
- Please send us a cover letter: We won’t read this!
- Thank you for applying. We will be in contact soon if there is further interest in your profile: Bye, bitch!
- Due to the high number of applicants: Please quit while you are ahead
- We may call your references: We will call your references at weird times and make them hate you. Oh shit that reminds me, Andrew from Red Lobster I put your name down as a reference on the last fifteen job applications I sent out. Is that chill, please text me back
- 3-5 years of relevant experience required: Must be proficient in rocket science
- Please send us a letter of recommendation: We think we’re hot shit. You’re still gonna awkwardly call up that professor you had for one class like four years ago and ask them for a letter, though, aren’t you? Have fun with that!
- Include salary requirements within your application: Let us exploit you and believe that we are kind people by hiring you
- Candidate must be able to work under fast past environments and under tight deadlines: Candidate must be willing to be our bitch
- Networking: We don’t know what that is
- Candidate must be proficient in Microsoft Office: You will be rotating our PDFs for us
- Free office coffee: Used to cover up lack of health insurance, benefits
Thanks for reading, and good luck in your job search! By that, we mean: haha, this is never gonna end and you will never get anywhere in life!