“Not All Men,” Says One of Them

By Stav                                                                                                                                       

Moncton, New Brunswick: Frustrations mount as local man Alex Wittenburg, 31, continues to tell feminists that not all men contribute to sexism, even though he is one of them.

Like many of his fellow millennials, Wittenburg likes to market himself as a progressive.  In his spare time, however, Wittenburg constantly talks over other women, neglects his chores in the apartment he shares with female roommates, and takes time out of every day to explain at least something to one of his female friends, not considering that they may already know –or even know more than he does– about any given topic.

“Yes, some men are shitty.  But not all men!  You can’t just paint us all with the same paintbrush,” argues Wittenburg, as if he’s not also spending every weekend harassing women at bars.  “One bad pumpkin doesn’t ruin the whole patch.”

Local feminists report they are not happy with Wittenburg’s hypocritical behaviour.

“Does [Wittenburg] know he’s one of the ones we… mean?” argued local feminist, Jessica, 26.  “This guy specifically is doing all the things we find frustrating.”

“The lack of self-awareness is impressive: if only it were unique,” said another local feminist, Whitney, 25.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equality,” said Wittenburg, who is for equality until it means he has to question his own behaviour.  “You feminists just have to come up with better ways of fighting for your beliefs.  As it is right now, you just sound angry all the time, and no one wants to deal with that.”

At press time, Wittenburg was considering hitting on the person writing this report.

Ten Cats That Wouldn’t Let Me Pet Them

Please Shame Them

By Stav @your__crush__

[Photos from Jackie Shreves, Colin Young, Natalie Hernandez, James Wagner, me, and the cats that posed for us somehow.]

These cats all ignored me when I tried to pet them and I’m mad about it still.  Please shame them and consider their respective existences with contempt.

  1. This one

bb article again

2. This one

vamps

  1. This one too

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  1. Okay I was pretty annoying I understand why this one ran away

use four

5. This one’s my cat, he lets me pet him and stuff. I just wanted to show you.

bb

  1. This one

bb!!

7. This one hissed at me :/

grace

 

 

  1. This one

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

  1. Wait hold on that’s my roommate’s hamster, not a cat. Pulling up another cat that ignored me now

 

 

  1. This one

archhhh

 

Thank you for reading, and I hope you are just as upset with these cats that wouldn’t let me pet them as I am.  Please share to raise awareness so that this may not happen again.

 

Thanks,

 

Stav

Experts Determine Bullying Landlords out of Profession Best Way to Provide Affordable Housing

By stav

Washington, D.C.:  In order to tackle the United States’ growing housing crisis, especially in light of the COVID-19 pandemic, the U.S. House of Representatives invited several housing experts to give their opinions as to how Congress may be able to bring the general populace relief in the near future.

The experts, including social workers, professors, city planners, and local activists across the country, recommended measures such as rent control, stopping evictions for the remainder of the coronavirus crisis, and eliminating security deposits. Above all, however, most felt strongly that landlords should be bullied indefinitely, preferably until they feel compelled to leave the profession.

“Who goes by the job-title “landlord” anyways?  Is this the 1500s?”  asked housing expert, Jennifer Smalls, 36.  “Anyone who willingly takes on such a stupid-sounding position deserves to be bullied for it until the cows come home.”

“It’s kind of fucked up that landlords can basically take as much of your paycheck as they want at this point, especially because they know you [the tenant] don’t have a lot of choices,” said a housing justice advocate.  “If you ever think a landlord is giving you a fair price, you’re playing yourself!”

“They have phone numbers, emails, and twitter accounts,” reported city planner Jessica Byers, 44. “If they’re going to be assholes and make people pay rent even though they’ve lost our jobs, we can at least make them feel bad about themselves.  Spam your ways of contacting them at all times!”

“They would have bullied you in high school anyways.  Would have taken your lunch money for sport!”   suggested Harvard Economics Professor, B. Riley, 54.  “Consider widespread bulling of landlords to be payback.  After all, they haven’t fixed your sink, and it’s been a month.”

“Mao did some other stuff about landlords which also may be worth looking into right now,” Riley added, winking repeatedly. “I won’t say it out loud, but it’s a good idea.”