Please Shame Them
By Stav @your__crush__
[Photos from Jackie Shreves, Colin Young, Natalie Hernandez, James Wagner, me, and the cats that posed for us somehow.]
These cats all ignored me when I tried to pet them and I’m mad about it still. Please shame them and consider their respective existences with contempt.
- This one
2. This one
- This one too
- Okay I was pretty annoying I understand why this one ran away
5. This one’s my cat, he lets me pet him and stuff. I just wanted to show you.
- This one
7. This one hissed at me
- This one
- Wait hold on that’s my roommate’s hamster, not a cat. Pulling up another cat that ignored me now
- This one
Thank you for reading, and I hope you are just as upset with these cats that wouldn’t let me pet them as I am. Please share to raise awareness so that this may not happen again.
Washington, D.C.: In order to tackle the United States’ growing housing crisis, especially in light of the COVID-19 pandemic, the U.S. House of Representatives invited several housing experts to give their opinions as to how Congress may be able to bring the general populace relief in the near future.
The experts, including social workers, professors, city planners, and local activists across the country, recommended measures such as rent control, stopping evictions for the remainder of the coronavirus crisis, and eliminating security deposits. Above all, however, most felt strongly that landlords should be bullied indefinitely, preferably until they feel compelled to leave the profession.
“Who goes by the job-title “landlord” anyways? Is this the 1500s?” asked housing expert, Jennifer Smalls, 36. “Anyone who willingly takes on such a stupid-sounding position deserves to be bullied for it until the cows come home.”
“It’s kind of fucked up that landlords can basically take as much of your paycheck as they want at this point, especially because they know you [the tenant] don’t have a lot of choices,” said a housing justice advocate. “If you ever think a landlord is giving you a fair price, you’re playing yourself!”
“They have phone numbers, emails, and twitter accounts,” reported city planner Jessica Byers, 44. “If they’re going to be assholes and make people pay rent even though they’ve lost our jobs, we can at least make them feel bad about themselves. Spam your ways of contacting them at all times!”
“They would have bullied you in high school anyways. Would have taken your lunch money for sport!” suggested Harvard Economics Professor, B. Riley, 54. “Consider widespread bulling of landlords to be payback. After all, they haven’t fixed your sink, and it’s been a month.”
“Mao did some other stuff about landlords which also may be worth looking into right now,” Riley added, winking repeatedly. “I won’t say it out loud, but it’s a good idea.”
Substitute Teacher Fired After Allegedly Teaching Life Skills to Students
By Colin Young and Stav
Logan County, Arkansas: A local substitute teacher who has served in the Logan City School district for eleven years has been fired from teaching after accusations that the 39-year-old taught life skills in an honors physics class at Logan High School.
On Wednesday evening, the city’s school board released the following public safety notice to all residents of Logan county:
Public Safety Notice: The Logan City School District would like to make the community aware of an inappropriate and likely trauma-inducing event that took place in one of its high schools this week, in which a substitute teacher tried to use his time in Grade 12 Honors Physics to teach meaningful life skills. As per the guidelines established by LCS in 1991, the substitute teacher is required to use class time to either a) hold a study hall b) roll in a television to play one (1) episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy. Finding the substitute teacher to be in violation of these guidelines, we have subsequently terminated his employment.
Students, parents, and community leaders alike have responded to the incident with anger and confusion.
“It all happened so fast,” a student who was in class during the incident explained. “Someone mentioned they got a credit card offer and the next thing I knew, he was balancing a checkbook right there in front of the whole class!”
“This is unacceptable,” complained Logan county resident and parent, Shelby Waters, 44. “I am paying taxes so my children can be taught important things like relativity and differential equations!”
“This is a violation of the highest order! Children of this age should not be exposed to things of this nature,” argued Kenneth Wilds, a Republican member of Logan City Council. “Budgeting, house repair, and things of that nature should be figured out together by a husband and wife after they are married!!”
“I dunno, it was weird, but I kind of liked it,” said a Logan High School student who wished to remain anonymous. “Sure, I’ve tried some of this stuff at home on my own, but it was a little weird to do it in a room full of my friends and classmates. I mean, the guys and me compare credit limits in the locker room, but I didn’t really want the whole class to see (even if it is quite large).”
When contacted for comment, the expelled substitute teacher defended his decision, stating that “these kids are more than old enough to learn about these things. They will be in college soon and tempted to try it all for themselves. In my opinion, it’s better that they learn about it in a safe, controlled environment that has their best interests in mind. When they’re out in the world learning about it from the streets it can be dangerous. There’s a lot of misinformation out there.”
“I don’t understand why everyone is upset about this. Seriously, what’s a “checkbook?” They never taught me this in school,” said 22 year old Adam Hines and alumnus of LCS.
The school has brought in extra counselors to help students who were involved in the incident. The district attorney has yet to decide if any formal charges will be filed.
[Note: The contents of this piece also relates to “insurance,” “the stock market,” ”taxes,” or literally anything else that sounds like it could be hard.]
Now that I am in my mid-twenties, I have noticed people my age are starting to buy houses. While that’s great for them (probably?), I refuse to do the same.
This is primarily because buying a house would mean that I would have to learn about this thing called “real estate.” After a thorough period of self-reflection and careful consideration, I have decided that such an entity is not for me. Bully me all you want, destroy my life and future, bury my hopes and dreams, do anything you want to me, it doesn’t matter. I will never understand one single iota about the housing market. You can’t make me!
Let me explain why:
- I don’t know what math is, which means that from a purely logistical perspective this whole “real estate” thing is a no-go. I am not in grade school anymore; I shouldn’t have to know how to do things related to math offhand. If it’s something the calculator app on my phone can’t accomplish, it’s not happening.
- I know what houses are, but adding math to them in such a haphazard manner is ridiculous. What do you mean people have “mortgages?” That sounds too complicated. There’s no way they want those, they just want the house. Can’t they just have the house? We have a lot of those, just give it to them.
- Clearly no one else understands real estate either. It’s not just me. For example, I am not the person who caused the “sub-prime mortgage crisis.” Other people who are not me did that, which means they did not understand “real estate” either. This must mean that “real estate” is way too hard, for everyone. We should just collectively call it quits before another one of those “sub-prime mortgage crises” happens.
- “Real estate” sounds like it benefits people I don’t like.
- I’m fairly certain there’s going to be significant societal breakdown within the next twenty-five years anyways. So even if I got a thirty-year mortgage for a home and tried to learn about “real estate” like an honest adult, society will already be over by the time I am actually done paying it off. Clearly, learning doesn’t pay!
In short, the housing market sounds really hard and I don’t like learning things. I swear on my life that none of you, no matter how hard you try, will be able to get me to understand whatever it is that we call “real estate,” and that’s a promise. I have decided that I will do everything in my power to maintain this attitude towards real estate no matter how old I get, and no matter how much learning about it now could help me in my own financial future. Take that, capitalism!