Libertarian Bullies Privatize School Playground

Lancaster, OH: At Thomas Ewing Elementary, a recently formed Libertarian youth group has taken over the playground and is now charging fellow students per use in what it calls an effort to “privatize” play time.

“Our system is fairly simple.  Want to use the slide? 10 cents?  Want to use the swings?  1 cent per swing,” says libertarian bully Chance, 11.  “If you and a group of friends wants to use the playground to play tag or something, you have to rent out the space in advance for five dollars.  If you don’t have extra money for any of this but still want to use the playground, be assured that your lunch money will always suffice!”

“We are doing this because we want to show our classmates the benefits to a free-market system.  Before, you could use all this stuff for free, but there was always a line for it.  And always so many other kids in the way.  Who wants that?” argued libertarian bully 2, Matthew, 10. “Now, you can use these services when you want and how you want, just for a small charge upfront.”

While the situation has been reported to the school, no action has been taken to challenge the libertarian children.  Rather, the group has been lauded for its entrepreneurial endeavors.

“I think it’s great that kids are being taught the value of money at an early age,” says playground monitor and physical education teacher, Mr. Scull, 41.  “Sure, it may be kind of mean, but I don’t see how it’s any different than like, Monopoly or something.  Kids at that age could use some rough-housing anyhow.”

“We think we’re just preparing our classmates for the realities of living in America, such as healthcare and higher education,” said Chance.  “I would even argue we’re doing everyone a big favor by teaching them an important lesson: nothing is free.”

Where Are They Now: Dance Dance Revolution Mats

By Stav

1. Landfill

2. Beside the wii fit board in my mom’s basement

3. Maybe she still has it

4. Just called her she says she threw it out, nevermind

5. Landfill

6. Damn, maybe *insert name of middle school friend here* still has it

7. No, they have melee though still if you wanna play sometime

8. Dope that sounds fun, I’ll hit you up

9. Makeshift mat for pet to sleep on

Quiz: You recently graduated from university! Can you find stable employment?

By Stav

Congratulations, you did it! You spent four years and a lot of money to get this piece of paper!  Your bachelor’s degree!  But can you get a job that pays for your ability to live? Take this quiz to find out!

Question 1:

A: No

Question 2: That’s not true my dad is a Very Important Person

A: Oh shit nevermind.  Here is your prestigious bank job or something tangential to whatever it is your capitalist dad does, please take it and leave my comedy blog.

Depression Meals That Are Just Bread and Cheese Again

By Stav

Too sad to cook? Me too, but not to fear! I have a few (albeit limited) suggestions on your options that may just be bread and cheese again!  Have fun trying these very simple meals if for some reason you don’t already do at least two of these every goddamn day!

  1. The classic cheese on wonder bread.  A bitch is really struggling if you’re doing this one I am thinking of you
  2. The classic cheese on wonder bread but you microwaved it because you wanted something hot even though you know it’s going to turn out like shit and not like you intended every time. Still tastes passable because you have the energy for nothing else right now.  Also cheese
  3. The classic cheese on wonder bread but you have a toaster oven so it’s actually pretty good, just not like skillet grilled-cheese level good. Tip: If you use feta cheese and then put olive oil on it it feels like you’re eating real food kind of
  4. Skillet grilled-cheese sandwich: You actually cooked you did it!!! It may taste like kindergarten but damn that really works right now. Tip: Just use a million slices of cheese, no one cares
  5. Pizza? There’s bread.  There’s cheese.  This food has even previously counted as a vegetable for high school students, you’re in good hands.
  6. Please just give up and order take-out this time holy shit. If you can build up the energy to call them, at least, and then Go oUtSiDe AnD PicK uP YouR OrDer iN PErsOn.  It’s okay, really.
  7. Repeat the cycle. Throw in coffee or ice cream as a meal as often as necessary

Life may be (very) hard, but as long as the all holy bread and cheese combo exists, you’ve got some easy resources for your next bullshit meal!  And the one after that.  And the one after that too.

P.S. I ate bread with cheese before writing this you are in good company

Sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother. I just wanted to let you know you could still get it if you wanted

A DM on Instagram from some guy you slept with that one time

(He’s not even that hot)

Hey Stefanie, how’s it going! That’s how you spell your name, right?  Anyways, it’s me, Jordan, remember?  That guy who you went home with that one time in college after that Halloween frat party, haha. That was such a fun night.  You had a sick ass costume, btw.  You probably remember (I hope you remember) me because I still watch your Instagram stories, basically every single time.  I hope you’re doing well.

Anyways, I know this is like the fifth message from me that you’ve straight up ignored but I wanted to just say I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother passing away.  She (I think, based on the post you just made about her) seemed like a nice lady, and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.  That sucks.

I also just uhhh, yeah, you know. We haven’t talked in a while.  Okay so we haven’t talked since like when we hooked up like three years ago.  Just, I just gotta say though, you’re still looking pretty good.  You could still get it if you wanted. I still live in the same apartment as last time (yea, the one right by campus still, I still live there), just so you know where to find me.  If you come over, I promise I won’t be too cowardly to show you the way out so you don’t have to awkwardly walk past all my roommates while they’re watching tv next time.  I also will not complain about having to wear a condom, I swear.  It’ll be fun.  Please respond.

Honest Ohio State Alumni Newsletter

Hey Ohio State Alumni, we know you absolutely love hearing from us.  Here’s what’s been going on with your fellow graduating classes since 2010, as well as some other recent campus news!

  • Half of recent graduates are unemployed
  • The other half still have horrific debt, don’t worry
  • 42 percent absolutely regret coming here
  • Alumna spotlight: Jessie, 29 (2012 graduate), fucked a republican last weekend. Come on now Jessie!
  • Alumnus spotlight: Ryan, 31 (2010 graduate) is a Republican. He gives us money though so good job, Ryan!  We wish you the best in your future endeavors!
  • Alumnus spotlight: that one guy you hated from your dorm is successful in their chosen field right now
  • Alumnus spotlight: The hook-up you kicked out of your house that one time is also more successful than you
  • We won’t be removing L*x Wexner’s name from any of our buildings, no matter what we learn about his past. Fuck you
  • North campus is looking very pretty (read: expensive) right now
  • A large number of recent graduates live in Texas now? Can someone explain this to me
  • You can drink alcohol at our football games now. As in, you can pay a lot of money to drink alcohol at our football games if you’re not smart enough to sneak it in yourself
  • You still owe the library two books. Please turn them in 😦
  • 40 percent of recent graduates agree to call it “THE” Ohio State University
  • We will kill the other sixty percent
  • 99 percent of recent graduates won’t give us any money
  • 100 percent of recent graduates agree: fuck *ichigan

Thanks for reading!  Please give us money

How To Get Over A Friend Posting a Bad Photo of You

by Stav

It happened.  You and Shelby went out last weekend.   And it was fun! Fun, that is, until Shelby posted some terrible drunk photos of you to her facebook and of course had to tag you.  Who even posts going out photos on facebook?? Apparently Shelby, as you have unfortunately learned.  Don’t worry, though! You have a few, admittedly limited, options to choose from in terms of how to proceed.

The Non-Interventionist Route: Do nothing.  Maybe stay off social media for the next few days while the situation blows over.  Hope that your crush never sees this photo of you (he will) (don’t worry though, he won’t care because he doesn’t like you anyways).

The Pacifist Route: Just be a normal person and ask Shelby if she can untag you in the facebook post.  If you’re too scared to just straight-up ask, you can use the tried-and-tested, evergreen “I have family and coworkers on here and would prefer them not to know I have fun sometimes!” excuse.  Hopefully this works!

The Pacifist Route With Teeth: Just be a normal person and ask Shelby if she can delete the post.

The Passive-Aggressive Route: Since you won’t be a normal person about this and ask, just untag yourself.  Don’t even ask: she didn’t ask to post the picture of you in the first place. Tit-for-tat, baby!

The Passive-Aggressive Route, Option Two: Angry-react or sad-react the post itself.  Probably not effective, but mildly-entertaining.

The Interventionist Route: Ask Shelby in person about this post. It’s going DOWN, Shelby!!!

The Scorched Earth Route: Untag yourself.  Unfriend (or hell, even block) Shelby.  Unfriend all of your mutual friends with Shelby.  If anyone sees this photo, they will never get to see you again in any way, shape or form. They can’t know you ever looked like that. Delete your profile.  Fake your death.  Create a new name and life story and move to a random town in Pennsylvania.