Adolescent Skunks Replace Odor Glands with Axe Body Spray

Madison, Wisconsin:  In recent weeks, the city of Madison, Wisconsin, has dealt with a unique issue: skunks.  Such skunks the city faces, however, are not your average roadkill skunk: it’s the adolescent skunks that pose a unique, yet disturbing threat to the community’s well-being.

“It appears that adolescent skunks in the greater Madison metropolitan area have resorted to replacing their odor glands with axe body spray,” says biologist Mike Mason, 43.   “I’m not sure how safe this is for the resident skunk population, but it has horrific implications for the human population of Madison.  I mean, what if one of those little critters gets hit by a car? I’d rather smell normal skunk odor any day than axe body spray, and I’m sure most of us will agree.  None of us want to smell this axe body spray shit.”

According to animal behavior specialist Zoe Rathers, 47, the skunks have decided to use the spray to fit in at skunk middle school.  In fact, usage of the product is at its highest around skunk middle school dances, when adolescent skunks are “most anxious” about their outward appearance and, well, smell.  “Adolescent skunks, much like their human counterparts, get nervous about friendships, their crushes liking them back, and just generally fitting in.  As a result, I’m not really surprised to see such creatures resorting to something like this.”

At press time, Axe Body Spray brand representatives had little to say about the phenomenon. “If they keep buying [our products], we’ll keep selling.”

Opinion: I Called Shotgun, You Have To Move Now

Powell, Ohio: What’s that, Jennifer? Are you really about to get in the front-seat of the car? Jennifer, did you not hear me? Or did you …choose to ignore me? Jennifer, oh my god.

Listen up, because I know you heard me Jennifer: I. Called. Shot-gun. That means *I* get to sit in the front of the car, and not you.  And listen, I don’t care if you “don’t want to play this game” with me, “didn’t hear” me, or “don’t feel like doing this bullshit right now,” Jennifer.  I don’t care if this is “just a five minute drive back home after getting ice cream.”

I called shotgun. I repeat: I called shotgun.  Is nothing sacred to you? I’m not following why you think you can just blow me off on this. Shotgun is the rule of the land in these parts, and you know that.  We all know that.  If you really wanted to sit in the front, nothing was stopping you from calling it before me.

But you didn’t do it. You didn’t seize the opportunity to call shotgun.  And that’s why it’s my turn to sit in the front seat, Jennifer.  Please move.

New, Realistic Line of Tamagotchis Vent To You When Their Friends Make Plans Without Them

El Segundo, California, United States: Bandai’s newest line of Tamagotchi digital pets are at their most realistic yet! In addition to eating, sleeping, making cute noises, and going through the various stages of the life cycle, the digital pets are now at their most realistic: tamagotchis will now vent to their owners when their social lives are going poorly.

The new pets will gossip and talk trash about their friends, tell you about crushes that are way out of their league, and cry to you when their friends make plans without them (this is a frequent occurrence).

It’s true that these tamagotchis will prove to be a challenge to their owners: in fact, such a challenge is precisely what Bandai wants.

“We felt that making the pets more honest about their social lives will strengthen the bond between them and their owners,” said Sara S., 37, a representative from Bandai America. “We hope that such a feature in our products will teach younger users about conflict resolution, and how to deal with disappointment in life.”

Sara S. also discussed Bandai’s future plans regarding Tamagotchi pets.  “If this goes well, and we certainly hope it does, we may consider future versions of this product where Tamagotchis may belittle or even bully their owners. We’re looking to build the character of those who buy our products, and sometimes -let’s face it- a little social rejection goes a long way.”

Job Search Translations

Having a hard time out there on the job search? Not understanding what certain (okay, fine, most) lingo used in job applications means? Never fear! I at The Crush Online, who has had a lot of success with… jobs, will tell you what all these weird phrases mean!

  1. Please send us a cover letter: We won’t read this!
  2. Thank you for applying.  We will be in contact soon if there is further interest in your profile: Bye, bitch!
  3. Due to the high number of applicants: Please quit while you are ahead
  4. We may call your references: We will call your references at weird times and make them hate you.  Oh shit that reminds me, Andrew from Red Lobster I put your name down as a reference on the last fifteen job applications I sent out.  Is that chill, please text me back
  5. 3-5 years of relevant experience required: Must be proficient in rocket science
  6. Please send us a letter of recommendation: We think we’re hot shit.  You’re still gonna awkwardly call up that professor you had for one class like four years ago and ask them for a letter, though, aren’t you? Have fun with that!
  7. Include salary requirements within your application: Let us exploit you and believe that we are kind people by hiring you
  8. Candidate must be able to work under fast past environments and under tight deadlines: Candidate must be willing to be our bitch
  9. Networking: We don’t know what that is
  10.  Candidate must be proficient in Microsoft Office: You will be rotating our PDFs for us
  11. Free office coffee: Used to cover up lack of health insurance, benefits

Thanks for reading, and good luck in your job search! By that, we mean: haha, this is never gonna end and you will never get anywhere in life!

Feminists Replace Friend-Zone With Shadow Realm

Athens, Ohio:  Men with poor behavior beware: the feminists of Athens county, Ohio, have successfully replaced the so-called “friend-zone” with the shadow realm from the card-based anime Yu-Gi-Oh!  Upon (incorrectly) stating that they have been placed in the “friend-zone,” men within a 45-mile radius of Athens county will now be instantaneously transported to the shadow realm, where they will remain indefinitely.

Women in the greater Athens county area were ecstatic to hear the news.

“I’m not sure if this is, like, legal or whatever, but it sounds pretty good, so I’ll stay quiet,” said local freelance journalist, Stavroula, 24.

Local feminists behind the decision also volunteered to discuss their opinions and concerns with local and national press. “Look, at the end of the day, I find it pretty annoying that men think the friend-zone is a real place,” said local feminist, Christa Matthews, 24. “But if you are going to go on and treat friendship with women -an objectively good thing, I may add!- like it’s some sort of punishment, we may as well, you know, actually punish you for it.  And that’s why we’ve decided to replace the friend zone with the shadow realm.  I’m really excited for this chance at justice, and I hope that it makes a meaningful impact on the way that men treat us in our day-to-day lives.”

“We’re really happy about this choice of using the shadow realm in particular,” says another resident feminist, Sophia Reyes, 22. “We don’t think men will listen to us if we actually try to talk about gender equality seriously in front of them, so we’ve decided to just communicate our annoyance with them in their terms.”

“I don’t really know all that much about the shadow realm,” Reyes admitted. “But with a name like the shadow realm, it sounds vaguely horrible – and quite frankly, that’s what we want.”

Report: Everyone but You Looks Good In This Photo

Clearwater Beach, Florida: Local, national, and international news outlets regret to report that everyone in your beach-trip group photo (yes, the one you spent two hours applying makeup for.  The one by the dock with the nice view of the water and everything) looks great except you.

“No one else in the photo is blinking, looking away, or anything,” says local reporter, Helen R., 29. “Everyone looks great!  Except you.  You look gross, really.  And it’s not bad lighting, or anything that can easily be explained.  You just look bad.”

“Since everyone else looks great in this photo, too, I’m sure you’ll understand that everyone will probably be using this photo for their Instagram posts about the trip,” says local influencer, Jessica, 21.  “You can’t take it too seriously or anything.  After all, we all know you’d be doing the same if it were YOU who looked good in the photo.  Who knows, maybe that will happen someday.  One can dream.”

At press time, it appears that you looked bad in all the photos from vacation, and not just in this one group photo. Sorry!