Report: Everyone but You Looks Good In This Photo

Clearwater Beach, Florida: Local, national, and international news outlets regret to report that everyone in your beach-trip group photo (yes, the one you spent two hours applying makeup for.  The one by the dock with the nice view of the water and everything) looks great except you.

“No one else in the photo is blinking, looking away, or anything,” says local reporter, Helen R., 29. “Everyone looks great!  Except you.  You look gross, really.  And it’s not bad lighting, or anything that can easily be explained.  You just look bad.”

“Since everyone else looks great in this photo, too, I’m sure you’ll understand that everyone will probably be using this photo for their Instagram posts about the trip,” says local influencer, Jessica, 21.  “You can’t take it too seriously or anything.  After all, we all know you’d be doing the same if it were YOU who looked good in the photo.  Who knows, maybe that will happen someday.  One can dream.”

At press time, it appears that you looked bad in all the photos from vacation, and not just in this one group photo. Sorry!

Smoke show: This woman’s microwave exploded

Mobile, Alabama: Things are getting steamy in this apartment complex. That’s right, the microwave of local woman, Alissa Powers, 28, has exploded! Powers claims the microwave exploded after she forgot to put her leftovers in the microwave before starting it.

“It’s just never been hotter in here; at least, I’ve never felt hotter,” said Powers.

Neighbors confirm Power’s opinion. “It’s very hot and steamy in Alissa’s apartment indeed,” said Bryce, 31. “That’s all fine and good as long as that heat doesn’t spread to the rest of the apartment complex.”

The explosion of the microwave has since led to a small fire in the apartment, and the fire department is on its way to see (and hopefully, successfully combat) the smoke-show in person.

4 out of 5 doctors recommend dumping Andrew

Seattle, Washington: Everyone’s been saying it, and now local doctors agree: it’s time for Seattle resident Jennifer Hill, 26, to dump Andrew.

“This may not be the most professional thing for me to say, and, to be honest, it may or may not violate HIPPA,” says local doctor Stella Andrews, 42. “But if you’re reading this, Jennifer, you need to understand that your boyfriend is a complete dumbass.  On top of that, he’s inconsiderate, rude, doesn’t apply himself, and is even mean to cats.  Like, who does that? He has no redeeming qualities, and to be frank, you’ll be saving yourself a lot of grief if you don’t let this last another five years.”

Other doctors agreed with Andrews. “I don’t know what you saw in him, Jennifer,” said Dr. Thomas Birely, 57. “No one knows, and I’ve known Andrew since you two were children.  This may be a little more public than you would want, but we’re just asking you to do yourself a favor here and dump his ass. You will thank us later.”

At press time, the fifth doctor was unavailable for comment.

Lifetime achievement: this woman cleaned her car

Columbus, Ohio: This week, the nation looks upon the city of Columbus in disbelief and awe: local woman, Stephanie Alders, 27, went out there yesterday and did the impossible by cleaning her goddamn car.

Many locals had a lot to say about the situation. “This is truly a commendable life accomplishment,” said Stavroula, 24, who is a local and friend of Alder’s. “I know I would never be able to accomplish such a feat, no matter how hard I tried. I’m so proud of Stephanie and consider it an honor to know and have acquaintance with such an admirable person, the type of person who really has big dreams- and sticks to them!”

“Sometimes I clean, like, the driver’s seat of the car,” said another Columbus resident, Anthony, 31. “Or I’ll just go through and pick up the old coffees and drinks that have been sitting in my car. But to clean one’s ENTIRE car?! Really an unbelievable accomplishment, Alders should be proud.”

“While I’m proud of the grit and dedication to the cause that it took me to finally go out there and clean my car, I’d also like to thank my family and friends,” Stephanie explained. “They’ve had my back this whole time, and this really could not have happened without them.”

Tomorrow, Alders will be given the keys to the city of Columbus as an honorary mayor in recognition of her accomplishments. Alders has plans to be on several life primetime news programs throughout the course of the next week to discuss her commendable feat, and is currently negotiating a book deal with several publishing companies.

“Even just a few short years ago, I never could have seen myself accomplishing such a big thing,” Stephanie concluded. “But if you work hard, take the opportunities you’re given, and believe in yourself over everything else, maybe one day, you, too, can successfully clean your car.”

County Fair Ride Probably Shouldn’t Squeak Like That

Canton, Ohio:  The “Top-Gun,” a beloved staple of the annual Stark County Fair, probably “shouldn’t squeak like that,” local fair-goers argue.  The ride, which has (probably against anyone’s best judgement) been at the fair for the last thirty-odd years, has never had the reputation as being the most safe.  This year, however, fair-goers are particularly concerned: the ride is making louder and weirder noises than usual.

“I’m not gonna lie, I’m a tough guy, and this isn’t a little kiddie-ride,” says fourteen-year old Devin Diamond. “This is the cool ride. You know, the one that goes upside-down and shit.  I was gonna go on this thing to impress the girl I have a crush on, but if it’s making noises like this, I’m a little scared to go on this time.”

“I know I’m the adult here, but I think I’m just going to ignore the ride’s squeakiness and look the other way,” said Donald Jackson, 43.  “To be honest, I think like twenty people are on that ride at a given time, so if something were to happen, there’s no way it would end well.  Taking the time to actually figure out who to report this to sounds like a lot of trouble, though, so I think I’ll just try to pretend nothing is wrong and go get some funnel cakes instead.”

“Meh, it’s probably fine.  Not like anybody checks this thing, anyways,” says ride-operator Timothy Andrews, 27. “Wait, is that going on record? I’d like to take that back, actually.”

At press time, the Top-Gun was squeaking louder than ever.

 

 

 

 

Guy In Sketchy Van Currently Trying To Convince You to Write For Collegiate Humor Magazine

 

For Otman

Montreal, Quebec:  McGill Students have expressed concern for some time about a college-aged man driving around the campus in a sketchy van in an effort to recruit humor writers, reporters say. At times, the man has been apparently seen passing out copies of the school’s humor magazine. Unfortunately for you, this man has finally found and decided to stop by your apartment in the McGill Ghetto.

“Funny people like to write funny things!,” he yells with a megaphone outside your apartment, still inside the sketchy van. “And you look like a funny person to me!”  The man has been parked outside your apartment complex for no less than a half hour. “Do you want a copy of The Plumber’s Faucet?”

“It’s almost like this guy is selling drugs or something, and not humor” said McGill graduate student Stavroula, 23, regarding the situation. “He is dedicated! At the same time, I guess humor can just be this powerful thing that takes over people’s lives, but in a good way (I think?). This man once gave me an issue of The Plumber’s Faucet once, and now it’s all I ever do. I write, read, perform, and live The Plumber’s Faucet.  Changed my life. Crazy as it may be to say, I hope this man in the sketchy van is successful.  Anyways, what are you doing tonight? Want to come to a Faucet’s Tap show with me?  McConnell Engineering basement, pay what you can, 7:00 p.m.!”

NSA Report: Your Crush Does Not Like You Back

Washington, D.C.: According to the 2,181 data records on this subject collected by the National Security Agency (NSA) within the last two weeks, your crush does not like you back.

“As per the information collected from the social media profiles of both you, Ryan Little, 21, and your crush, Sophia Demos, 20, you have absolutely no chance,” says NSA agent Cody Johnson, 32. “And let’s be clear, I mean zero chance. Zero. She doesn’t even consider you a decent person. In fact, according to our records, Demos has made fun of you in various GroupMe chats on more than 5 occasions.  She also has talked about different crushes (that are not you) on more than 20 occasions in the amount of time you have expressed interest in her.”

“We suggest you give up on Demos and try looking elsewhere,” says fellow NSA agent Natalia Rice, 36. “Moreover, we also suggest that you take the frequent hints she has given you. If she never texts you back in the first place, she’s not interested in you sending those ‘I’m still here’ and ‘:)?’ texts you frequently use when you talk to her. In fact, she’s almost blocked your phone number several times! The time to give up is now.”