I just wanted you all to know I’m super hot now: an open letter to my high school graduating class (please read)

To everyone in my graduating class,

It’s been a while, and I hate to admit I’ve gotten a little out of touch with many of you (okay so the vast majority of you). That’s absolutely because I’ve been up to bigger and better things, like creating this wordpress that has two-hundred ish facebook likes.

Anyways, I just wanted to take the time to let you know that, while I may not have been hot back in 2012 (definitely not offended by not being hot at that point, either) (I also had no real likeable personality traits back then to make up for it, and that’s also okay) (we won’t be discussing 2012 or any other years of high school further, at any given point in time) (I’m definitely not self-conscious about any of this) (really), I am an absolute smoke-show now. Just super hot. So hot that I’m not even going to post a photo of myself here to prove it, I don’t want to make you all more jealous than neccessary. I just wanted to, you know, point it out: I’m hot!

That’s really all I wanted to say, and I hope you all are having a nice life or whatever, even though that’s not possible considering that you are not as hot as me.

With love (even though I am way out of your league now) ,

Stav

More People Should Go To Trade School, Says Man With Bachelor’s Degree

Duluth, Minnesota: Local business man, college graduate, and conservative Joseph Hynes, 43, believes that millenials should “stop getting useless degrees in gender studies” and should start going to trade school.

“You pansies get these dumbass degrees in like art history or whatever, get 100 grand in debt or something, and then wonder why you don’t come out on top,” says Hynes, who graduated from the University of Minnesota with a political science degree in 1992.

“So dumb, your degrees are USELESS. No one cares about art history, or journalism, or regular history, or whatever stupid liberal arts degree it was that you were gonna get. This isn’t about this sissy ‘follow your dreams’ nonsense, this is about learning to pull your weight and take responsibility for your actions. Be useful in society, learn a SKILL, and get a JOB,” says Hynes, who does not associate with people who went to trade school. “In fact, I know all these local businesses who need people who went to trade school! But they can’t find anyone, because everyone went to university instead for no reason.”

“Sure, I didn’t go to trade school, and sure, I went to university, but it’s not for everyone! Maybe I wasn’t going to go to trade school, but other people should if they want success. Not me, I didn’t do that, but other people. Other people should go to trade school if they don’t want people like me to blame them for their own failures. You gotta pick yourself off your feet in this cruel world!”

“Sure, maybe I, subconsciously or otherwise, look down on people in service and trade-based jobs because I am maybe more educated than them and therefore think I am better than them. But that’s not the point here. This also isn’t really the time to discuss how we should fundamentally be revamping our education system anyways. Or discuss how people have been drilling this idea that university is the key to being successful for decades, and how that’s kinda-sorta-really messed up, and very demeaning to people who don’t go. The point here, quite frankly, is that if people who are not me (or my children) want to get ahead, they should consider trade school as opposed to these dead-end liberal arts degrees!”

Hynes had to cut his conversation short because he has to prepare to take his children to a university tour tomorrow.

Autopsy Confirms Video Killed The Radio Star

Cleveland, Ohio: This past week, an autopsy conducted on the Radio Star’s body at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed that Video did, in fact, kill the Radio Star.

“We’ve been suspicious about this death ever since the song “Video Killed The Radio Star” came out in 1979,” said local pathologist Dr. Steven Hartford.  “But we weren’t able to confirm our suspicions of foul play, at least medically, until this week.   In any case, our pathology unit here at the Cleveland Clinic is especially proud of this breakthrough, and we hope that justice for our dear friend, the Radio Star, will be swift.”

With news of the truth behind the Radio Star’s fate gone public, many locals have voiced their opinion on the cultural significance of the Radio Star’s Death, such as local historian and Cleveland State University professor Dr. Stephani Andrews.  “We are so thankful to finally have concrete confirmation that Video killed the Radio Star,” said Dr. Andrews.  “The academic community will be thinking of the Radio Star over the coming weeks, and we mourn that the Radio Star’s contributions to popular culture were cut tragically short by such senseless acts of violence.”

Video has since been arrested and is due in court next week on one count of first-degree murder.

Experts Determine Bullying Model UN Students Best Way to Prevent Future Conflict

New York, New York: Yesterday, a group of internationally renowned human rights activists, historians, and journalists spoke to the United Nations General Assembly, explaining that bullying collegiate level model United Nations students ultimately provided the best prospects for preventing future large-scale conflicts.

“I think we can all agree on the importance of solving issues such as hunger, climate change, and economic inequality,” said Mark Lowcock, the UN Under-Secretary General for Humanitarian Affairs.  “We have also found, however, that there is a more immediate threat to international security. That threat is rich kids who spend their days playing around with high stakes political scenarios that will never affect them in real life.  It is our sincere belief that they must be stopped.”

At the general assembly, the group of experts recommended bullying methods it deemed effective against model UN students, which included shoving them in lockers, swiping left on their dating app profiles, and sabotaging their summer internships.

“In our many interactions with these individuals, we have found that model UN students are arrogant, horny, have ill-informed political views, and are just really goddamn annoying,” argued political scientist and NYU professor, Dr. George Kanellopoulos. “If these kids aren’t shown who’s boss, and quickly, their collective power trip holds nothing sacred. They’ll take over the entire earth as if all of this was just a silly little model UN conference!  We believe it is necessary to root out this ill in our society, and by any means necessary, before this cancer poisons our civilization past the point of no return.  Please, we implore you, bully model UN students until they break.”

Opinion: I’m Pro-Life, But That Doesn’t Mean I Want Women To Stop Sleeping With Me

Hey, it’s me, your run-of-the-mill 23 year old from Ohio named Jeremy, here to have a nice little talk with ya, whether you wanted it or not. And, you know, I wanted to be a little more ~serious~ today than usual, if that’s okay.

I’m …what I’d like to consider a god-fearing man.  I have a sense of morality.  And with that in mind, I guess you could say I’m pro-life.  Yeah, I kinda like the ring of that.  Pro-life. I don’t think people should be allowed to have abortions, and we need to be thinking about how we can protect the lives of the children. The most vulnerable in our societies. The unborn.

It’s about responsbility: if you’re responsible, you won’t need an abortion! Or I guess, you know, you need to be responsible: if you get pregnant, you need to own up to your carelessness (that’s what causes pregnancies right?) and raise your child. Glad you could listen to my serious point-making for the day.

That being said, I’m an unmarried man, and I’m single. And let’s just say I wouldn’t mind having some sex around here. It’s one of my favorite activities! Any of you ladies down? After all, I’m pro-life, but that doesn’t mean I want women to stop sleeping with me! That would be ridiculous.

I don’t really know all that much about birth control, or anything people do to prevent pregnancy.  I don’t have to do that, or worry about what getting pregnant would be like, because, well shucks, I’m a dude! I’m not super into condoms, either, even though I’ve heard before that they help prevent pregnancy.  But can you blame me? They just don’t feel that good!

I also wouldn’t be super down to buy Plan B for anyone in case something else were to go wrong, it’ll probably be fine!! Besides, that stuff is expensive!

Sure, I haven’t really given this whole “pro-choice” thing too much thought.  To be honest, I haven’t ever really thought about what pregnancy must be like, or how much work women and others who can get pregnant put into avoiding pregnancy when they don’t want children.  Or that a woman is taking the risk of getting pregnant every time we have sex, but she’s the only one who has to deal with the full ramifications of pregnancy if something goes wrong.

Likewise, I haven’t really thought about any of this because, well, I’m not going to face the brunt of the many abortion restrictions passed into law over the last ten years.    Are you trying to say that Ohio may succeed in effectively banning abortion soon? Nah, I haven’t really considered too much of that, and probably never will, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex!  C’mon, it’ll be fun!

Wait, what? You don’t want to sleep with me? What do you mean? I don’t understand…was it something I said just now?

Signed: Jeremy

I went ahead and monetized this blog, which means if you could like go on here and spend two minutes just mindlessly clicking on advertisements you’d be doing me a solid

by Stav

Montreal, Quebec: Capitalism sucks. It sucks, in fact, so much that I’ve decided to sell out and to go ahead and put advertisements on this terrible blog (that or I just think I am that important, but I’m not super into analyzing that part of my psyche at the moment).

Anyways, if you’re seeing this blog post, as I have of course just been relentlessly posting this wherever possible, I am just making a simple and kind request from you.  If you could just, you know, go on my website and click all the ads you see, that would be super great.  That’s all I’m asking here.  You don’t even have to read my blog posts, I don’t give a shit.

I’m just asking this very simple request. It won’t take long, and you don’t have to give anyone your money (though the motion wouldn’t be frowned upon).  I’m just generally pretty down to make the two cents of what I would be getting out of this, you know? And like, if all 20 of you who pay any amount of attention to me also do it? Maybe once a month? Like I’m going to be in pretty good shape at that point financially.

So, yeah, all I’m saying is if you could just mindlessly click on some ads while you’re on here, you’d be doing me a solid. Thanks

This Was A Good Tweet: An Open Letter to My Twitter Following

This Was A Good Tweet: An Open Letter To My Twitter Following

Dear Twitter Following

Hello, it’s none other than me, the person who runs one of your favorite accounts on twitter. I realize that it’s somewhat odd for me to address you all in such a formal manner, but the reality here is that we’ve got some serious business to talk about.

First, before I get to the point of the matter at hand, I want you all to know that I feel that I and (all 127 of) you generally have an amicable relationship. I sometimes like your tweets, and sometimes you like my tweets.  It’s a relatively simple relationship, but it usually feels to be a relationship centered around the concepts of respect and mutual understanding.

I have felt this way about our relationship, I am sorry to say, until the events of last night. And I don’t say this lightly, but to be frank: we need to have a discussion.

Before getting to the point I will also clarify that I realize, of course, that many of my tweets are not always of the highest quality. I use this twitter account for a variety of reasons, including drunk tweeting, complaining about failed relationships and friendships, and whatever other nonsense I may be up to on a given day.  I am aware of the fundamentally subpar nature of my twitter account, and as such I am not here to say that I deserve attention for every last one of my tweets, especially when many of them are not actually all that pleasant to read.

In the case of this particular tweet I posted last night, however, all of you, and I mean all 127 of you, are wrong. You are all wrong for not liking, retweeting, or otherwise giving my tweet the attention it deserves.

This was a good tweet.  In fact, this was a great tweet. And that is why I am replying to this tweet with a link to this open letter, so that all of you may see both and act accordingly.

This tweet, unlike some of my other tweets, was good, and I expect validation as such in the form of likes and/or retweets by all of you within a reasonable timeframe. There is absolutely no reason that such a tweet, such a good tweet, should be sitting by itself, unattended on my timeline, with zero likes or retweets.

Twitter is meant to be an enjoyable platform for all, but it can only be fully enjoyable if we (read: you) actually interact with the (read: my) tweets we see every day as we scroll through our feeds. I therefore hope that you all take this heartfelt message with sincerity, and that you all act upon this open letter as quickly as possible by liking my tweet, which was good.

Thank you,

Stav