Hey Ohio State Alumni, we know you absolutely love hearing from us. Here’s what’s been going on with your fellow graduating classes since 2010, as well as some other recent campus news!
- Half of recent graduates are unemployed
- The other half still have horrific debt, don’t worry
- 42 percent absolutely regret coming here
- Alumna spotlight: Jessie, 29 (2012 graduate), fucked a republican last weekend. Come on now Jessie!
- Alumnus spotlight: Ryan, 31 (2010 graduate) is a Republican. He gives us money though so good job, Ryan! We wish you the best in your future endeavors!
- Alumnus spotlight: that one guy you hated from your dorm is successful in their chosen field right now
- Alumnus spotlight: The hook-up you kicked out of your house that one time is also more successful than you
- We won’t be removing L*x Wexner’s name from any of our buildings, no matter what we learn about his past. Fuck you
- North campus is looking very pretty (read: expensive) right now
- A large number of recent graduates live in Texas now? Can someone explain this to me
- You can drink alcohol at our football games now. As in, you can pay a lot of money to drink alcohol at our football games if you’re not smart enough to sneak it in yourself
- You still owe the library two books. Please turn them in 😦
- 40 percent of recent graduates agree to call it “THE” Ohio State University
- We will kill the other sixty percent
- 99 percent of recent graduates won’t give us any money
- 100 percent of recent graduates agree: fuck *ichigan
Thanks for reading! Please give us money
It happened. You and Shelby went out last weekend. And it was fun! Fun, that is, until Shelby posted some terrible drunk photos of you to her facebook and of course had to tag you. Who even posts going out photos on facebook?? Apparently Shelby, as you have unfortunately learned. Don’t worry, though! You have a few, admittedly limited, options to choose from in terms of how to proceed.
The Non-Interventionist Route: Do nothing. Maybe stay off social media for the next few days while the situation blows over. Hope that your crush never sees this photo of you (he will) (don’t worry though, he won’t care because he doesn’t like you anyways).
The Pacifist Route: Just be a normal person and ask Shelby if she can untag you in the facebook post. If you’re too scared to just straight-up ask, you can use the tried-and-tested, evergreen “I have family and coworkers on here and would prefer them not to know I have fun sometimes!” excuse. Hopefully this works!
The Pacifist Route With Teeth: Just be a normal person and ask Shelby if she can delete the post.
The Passive-Aggressive Route: Since you won’t be a normal person about this and ask, just untag yourself. Don’t even ask: she didn’t ask to post the picture of you in the first place. Tit-for-tat, baby!
The Passive-Aggressive Route, Option Two: Angry-react or sad-react the post itself. Probably not effective, but mildly-entertaining.
The Interventionist Route: Ask Shelby in person about this post. It’s going DOWN, Shelby!!!
The Scorched Earth Route: Untag yourself. Unfriend (or hell, even block) Shelby. Unfriend all of your mutual friends with Shelby. If anyone sees this photo, they will never get to see you again in any way, shape or form. They can’t know you ever looked like that. Delete your profile. Fake your death. Create a new name and life story and move to a random town in Pennsylvania.
Madison, Wisconsin: In recent weeks, the city of Madison, Wisconsin, has dealt with a unique issue: skunks. Such skunks the city faces, however, are not your average roadkill skunk: it’s the adolescent skunks that pose a unique, yet disturbing threat to the community’s well-being.
“It appears that adolescent skunks in the greater Madison metropolitan area have resorted to replacing their odor glands with axe body spray,” says biologist Mike Mason, 43. “I’m not sure how safe this is for the resident skunk population, but it has horrific implications for the human population of Madison. I mean, what if one of those little critters gets hit by a car? I’d rather smell normal skunk odor any day than axe body spray, and I’m sure most of us will agree. None of us want to smell this axe body spray shit.”
According to animal behavior specialist Zoe Rathers, 47, the skunks have decided to use the spray to fit in at skunk middle school. In fact, usage of the product is at its highest around skunk middle school dances, when adolescent skunks are “most anxious” about their outward appearance and, well, smell. “Adolescent skunks, much like their human counterparts, get nervous about friendships, their crushes liking them back, and just generally fitting in. As a result, I’m not really surprised to see such creatures resorting to something like this.”
At press time, Axe Body Spray brand representatives had little to say about the phenomenon. “If they keep buying [our products], we’ll keep selling.”
Powell, Ohio: What’s that, Jennifer? Are you really about to get in the front-seat of the car? Jennifer, did you not hear me? Or did you …choose to ignore me? Jennifer, oh my god.
Listen up, because I know you heard me Jennifer: I. Called. Shot-gun. That means *I* get to sit in the front of the car, and not you. And listen, I don’t care if you “don’t want to play this game” with me, “didn’t hear” me, or “don’t feel like doing this bullshit right now,” Jennifer. I don’t care if this is “just a five minute drive back home after getting ice cream.”
I called shotgun. I repeat: I called shotgun. Is nothing sacred to you? I’m not following why you think you can just blow me off on this. Shotgun is the rule of the land in these parts, and you know that. We all know that. If you really wanted to sit in the front, nothing was stopping you from calling it before me.
But you didn’t do it. You didn’t seize the opportunity to call shotgun. And that’s why it’s my turn to sit in the front seat, Jennifer. Please move.